I've never been a private person. One that is afraid to share the personal details of life. I am more of an "express not repress" type person. This blog began as a way to chronicle my children’s events...a way to document and share the happy times, smiling faces, and proud moments. But, it's turned into my own form of therapy. A journal, if you will...of not only moments full of pride, but also those moments that I question. Of course it includes...my joy as a mommy, cute pics of our life, and so on. But also...my thoughts, my fears, and everything in-between. However, that being said...this is one of those very infrequent times in which I normally would have chosen to keep to myself...but God obviously has something else in mind. It's 2 am...and I'm awakened by my own restlessness. I try to fall back asleep but can't. Throughout my life, I've realize that a restless spirit, a period of restlessness, usually meant that God was trying to make a change in me, this morning, however it's something different. It's a quiet whisper...one that I cannot escape. Such overwhelming emotions. Then I realize...that by sharing what happened this weekend, God would be glorified. And after all...with all that he's done for me, I refuse to allow even one moment to pass by, where I could've shared something that would have brought him praise...and chose to ignore that opportunity. So
...(deep breath)...this is for you Jesus.
On Thursday evening, we tucked Lilee in after a long day and went to bed early. I was exhausted so I didn't have any problem going to sleep. At 12:20...I was awakened by what I thought had been an accident.
(I thought, "oh my gosh how embarrassing...have I peed the bed???") Once I got to the bathroom and turned on the light my heart stopped. As I looked down, all I could see was blood...down my legs and on the floor. I screamed for Brian and suddenly felt something fall from my body. I couldn't look...I couldn't move...I could only look up and sob. I remember saying,
"Please Jesus...no". Now realizing the amount of blood that I had lost, I dialed Dr. Hill's answering service. The doctor on call said to get to the hospital. Within 20 minutes, my mom was at my house to stay with Lilee, and we were rushing to the ER. The next 3 1/2 hours were torture. They told me I was probably loosing the baby. They kept asking me if I had "passed" anything. I said yes, but that I didn't know because I couldn't look.
(I called my mom who had already taken matters into her own hands and realized it was a large mass of tissue connected to a smaller something, but one without any kind of form to it, so we weren't really sure about anything.) At the hospital...two different nurses tried to pick up a heartbeat, but couldn't. The doctor did an exam and said that my cervix was still closed, but that it was probably only a matter of time before the miscarriage was complete. They told me that there is always a small chance of hope...but to go home and call Dr. Hill first thing in the morning. Brian and I left...feeling hopeless. I tried to prepare myself for the worst. It was almost 5 am by the time we tried to lay back down and get a few hours of sleep. Complete exhaustion kicked in and somehow I was able to fall asleep. Right before I closed my eyes, with a puddle of tears on my pillow...I heard that familiar quiet whisper,
"Why are you doubting Him?".
By 9 am that same morning, we were at my doctors office. Dr. Hill was out of town so I knew I would be seeing his nurse practioner. They took us in for an ultrasound first. I laid back on the table and started to cry again. I thought I had prepared myself for what I would be told...but really hadn't. Then...I heard my husband, who had been standing there holding his breath, breathe out...and I realized there was a heartbeat. A strong, beautiful, baby boy heartbeat. The ultrasound tech said, "There's your baby!"...and I felt numb from joy and relief. I asked her to check again to be sure because I almost didn't believe her. I felt like I could breathe again...like someone had just handed me back my heart.
After regaining focus, the nurse practioner walked in and tried to explain why this had happened.
(Of course...I had a lot of questions. "After loosing all that blood...how could this have happened without loosing my baby boy? What was that, that I felt fall from my body?") She said it seemed as if there was a second embryo, that never fully developed, and this was my body's was of releasing it.
(What??...two babies...twins??)
We won't be certain until the pathology report comes back next week, but no matter what...I know I still have a healthy baby boy growing inside me. I'm still not sure how I will feel if the report comes back to confirm there were twins. I guess I'll deal with that when it comes. What I DO know is that God is forever faithful. He's never let me down...never left my side...always protected me. When I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with Lilee and went into labor (then another 3 times after that)...He protected her and kept her safe. Why did I ever doubt, for even a second, that He would do the same. I believe everything happens for a reason...everything is in His divine order. Why did this happen? That is something I don't know...and I'm ok with that. I'm content knowing that He loves me...this baby boy...my daughter, husband, and family. And if he never does another thing for me for the rest of my life...he's done enough...enough for me to stand with my head up and hands raised until my last breath.
Jesus...there are no words to express the gratefulness I feel. When my words fail...when your Works are too numerous for me to tell. All I ask of you, is know my heart. Know that I am forever humbled...forever thankful.
